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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26720944">When In Doubt, Ignore Your Problems Like Any Good Protagonist Is Wont To Do</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemWrites/pseuds/RemWrites'>RemWrites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Gintoki's Angsty Mental Moments [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gintama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Sadness, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, The Big Sads</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:15:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,650</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26720944</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemWrites/pseuds/RemWrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hijikata catches Gintoki at the bridge, staring into the water. Again.</p><p>He should have said more.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Gintoki's Angsty Mental Moments [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When In Doubt, Ignore Your Problems Like Any Good Protagonist Is Wont To Do</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This wasn't the first time Hijikata spotted Gintoki late at night, leaning against the railing of the bridge, staring over the edge into the water without a single expression on his face. It wasn't the first time, but Hijikata really hoped it would be the last. He really, perhaps even <em>naively</em>, hoped this was just something Gintoki was doing because he was bored or distracted, something that wasn't a Sign of worse things to come.</p><p>It was almost midnight, the moon high in the sky. It was getting colder every night, every morning crisp and threatening winter. Hijikata's jacket was done up properly to ward off the chill, but over there, standing over the water where it was definitely a few degrees cooler, Gintoki stood in his regular attire like he hadn't even noticed the temperature had dropped. Hijikata hadn't seen him in anything warmer all week, wondered if Gintoki's blood just naturally ran hot or if he was just stupid.</p><p>Hijikata couldn't tell if he should be concerned or not.</p><p>In the nights prior, Hijikata hadn't approached him, had taken to watching him creepily from the distance, observing, analyzing, worrying. Had simply stood off in the distance with a smoke between his fingers and a hand in his pocket, wondering if Gintoki could feel him staring, wondering if Gintoki would look over his shoulder and crack a joke of sorts. Would excuse his behavior for something ridiculous, or admit to something softer, like a fond memory and a desire for a moment of peace. Something safe, something intimate, and not something cold.</p><p>Gintoki never even looked.</p><p>Hijikata did a lot of stupid things in his life, but trusting his gut was never a mistake. So standing there with a fresh cigarette between his lips, Hijikata finally decided it was time to approach. He'd been watching Odd Jobs like a creep for the better part of a week, and every night that passed, Hijikata became more worried. There was something somber about watching Gintoki like this, something distressful that left Hijikata feeling restless and irate.</p><p>Gintoki didn't move when Hijikata approached him. Gintoki didn't even look over his shoulder to acknowledge his presence, eyes locked on the canal below as Hijikata leaned forward onto the railing with him, smoke trailing from his cigarette. The city was quiet here, nothing to hear but the water moving below them, the sound gentle and reassuring. The misty spray from the water was cold, making Hijikata shiver, but now that Hijikata was here, he couldn't help but notice how peaceful it felt. Just him and another soul beneath the moon, water gently moving beneath them. <em>Perhaps he came here for some harmony? </em><em>Perhaps I was worried all this time for nothing?</em></p><p>Hijikata made sure the smoke was trailing away from Gintoki while his gaze locked on Gintoki's face. Just like that, all of Hijikata's concerns came back. Those half-lidded eyes, the lack of expression on his mouth, the lack of color in his skin. Gintoki had started to look like a ghost over the past few weeks with dark bags under his eyes, had started to sound like he was scripted, more lifeless than Gengai's robots. And it wasn't just Gintoki acting strange; the kids had been sharing concerns too. Worried glances, stolen attention at strange words coming from Gintoki's mouth. Hijikata knew it was bad when the concerns filtered back to him through Sougo's mouth, strange things the kids said, strange things Gintoki himself said.</p><p>
  <em>The things he doesn't say are probably worse.</em>
</p><p>“This has become a habit.” Hijikata stated, breaking the silence while taking a drag from his cigarette. He lifted his head to exhale, blowing smoke above him rather than straight into Gintoki's face. He hoped this was the part where Gintoki teased him for being a worry-wart and eased his fears in that casual way Gintoki had about everything.</p><p>Gintoki's eyes fluttered softly as he shifted, his limbs moving stiffly like he had been stuck in the same position for hours. He didn't glance Hijikata's way but he did take in a deep breath like Hijikata had jostled him from some sort of power-saving mode. The response made Hijikata shiver, a chill creeping deep into his bones.</p><p>“So it has.” Gintoki said. His voice was rough. Disuse or emotion, Hijikata couldn't tell. Gintoki didn't look Hijikata's way, didn't even turn his head. He didn't elaborate, didn't excuse or explain his behavior. His mouth remained sealed while his eyes locked back on the water below. They were sad now. Bone-tired and gloomy.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Hijikata asked, still leaning against the railing, still blowing smoke above their heads. He was watching closely, looking for anything to tell him what was going on here, what was going on inside Gintoki's carefully protected mind. Was he just over-thinking Gintoki's behavior? Was that gut feeling he had really something else entirely? <em>You know better. Those who look into the water threaten to fall in.</em></p><p>Gintoki shook his head, his voice lilting as he mused. “I'm just looking.”</p><p>“At?” Hijikata asked. He snubbed out his cigarette before disposing of it properly, taking his eyes off Gintoki for a moment, worried his over-bearing stare might be keeping the man's mouth closed.</p><p>Gintoki didn't answer him, the water moving gently below reflecting in his eyes. He stood there, staring down, unmoving and unresponsive like Hijikata had never even spoken to him. There was something chilling about it, something that made Hijikata wonder for a split second whether Gintoki was really there at all. For a frigid second, Hijikata worried he was talking to a ghost.</p><p>“Odd Jobs?” Hijikata hoped his voice didn't reflect his fear.</p><p>“It's just nice, sometimes.” Gintoki said easily. His voice was warm, reassuring. Just like that, Hijikata was warm with relief. Perhaps Hijikata felt better because he just didn't want to see the situation any other way.</p><p>Gintoki stood up, his movements stiff and mechanical. He turned towards Hijikata and plastered a dead smile onto his face, the relief Hijikata had just felt gone with the gentle breeze. Hijikata's soft smile froze on his face, confusion and confliction and concern washing back over him.</p><p>“I'll go home now, Mr. Officer. Make sure you keep the streets safe.” Gintoki said, and he sounded fine. Suddenly, his smile looked fine too.</p><p>"Okay." Hijikata said, unsure of what else he could say.</p><p><em>I don't think the streets are what need to be protected right now.</em> Hijikata watched Gintoki shove his hands into his yukata and walk away without glancing over his shoulder, white disappearing ominously into the black night. Hijikata watched him go, his desire to chase after the man growing with every step Gintoki took away from him.</p><p>Rooted where he stood, Hijikata tapped out a second cigarette, eyebrows furrowing closer together. He turned away, leaning back against the railing, glancing at the water below.<br/><br/><em>He'll be okay. He always is.</em></p><p>Back at Odd Jobs, in the darkness of his bathroom, with Kagura sleeping soundly at Shinpachi's and Otose none the wiser downstairs, a knife clattered into the bowl of the bathroom sink. Red splashed and dotted against the white porcelain until the blade finally settled at the bottom, the knife glinting temptingly in the hallway light.</p><p>Panting heavily with his fingers clenched around the edge of his sink, Gintoki glanced into his dark bathroom mirror at his wide eyes and open mouth, his pupils dilated, encompassing the color. He took a moment to look over the distress on his face, shocked to see such a raw expression. Regret. Dread. Fear. A choked whimper left him at the sight, his shaky right hand covering his mouth and finally shutting it, his next inhale taken noisily through his nose. His eyes instantly started to tear up and he squeezed them shut too, let the droplets that escaped run down his cheeks, let the others die and disappear back to where they had come from.</p><p>Hijikata had stirred something within him just like everyone else these days. Hijikata's appearance had given Gintoki a moment of hope, a little flicker of candlelight in this dark world of his, and then Hijikata had unknowingly crushed it beneath his heel like a used cigarette.</p><p>Gintoki took a moment to regain his composure, to let his heavy breaths slow from their high pitched wheeze, waited until the need to just outright sob dissipated into a forgotten desire. He didn't know why he was like this, didn't know why he felt like this, and he certainly wasn't blaming anyone else but himself. It was easily triggered, his own self-restraint weakening as the days went on. He waited until he could open his eyes again and his knees didn't feel so shaky, blearily looking over the wet blood rushing down his left forearm.</p><p><em> What the hell were you thinking? Either finish the job or don't do it at all!</em> Gintoki's eyes flickered back down to the pocket knife in the sink, the stray droplets of blood that tarnished the white porcelain. His hand pressed harder over his mouth.</p><p>It was just another mistake, another error in the long list he'd recently compiled. He stared at the blood glittering in the light filtering in from the hallway, wondering <em>why</em>, why he continued to do this, why he continued to live his life skirting the fine line between life and death. Why did he continue to punish himself for things that had been out of his control, letting the misery catch up and take away everything he had earned for himself?</p><p>
  <em>Why can't I just ask for help?</em>
</p><p>When he glanced back up to the mirror, looking at himself, really <em>seeing</em> himself and the burdens he carried so obviously, he couldn't help but wonder why no one ever asked if he needed it.</p><p>Perhaps they didn't ask because there was nothing they could do.</p>
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